January 28, 2011   1 note

DCUO Blog 2: A Day in the Life of Professor Crackshot

Before we start with THE CRAZY, I wanted to point out one of the cool things about DC Universe Online: meeting characters from the DCU that I don’t recognize. Since I don’t really follow comics, I’m having a blast looking up some of the characters I don’t really know well enough, like Booster Gold, my new personal hero.

Summary of Booster Gold’s Wikipedia summary: a guy from the future who steals a bunch of awesome technology and time travels back to present day so that he can become a corporate-sponsored superhero. AKA, my new life goal.

And now some Professor Crackshot stuff.

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Professor Crackshot stood at the entrance of the Little Bohemia precinct of the Metropolis Police Department. Today would be the day.

Today, Professor Crackshot would tour the Metropolis Metro Station.

He’d made all the arrangements: purchased the tour package from Booster Gold’s kiosk, marked it on the map he was carrying with him, and repaired his guns in case he had to shoot anything with his guns. He was prepared, and he was ready.

Using his super-speed, Professor Crackshot began to sprint through the great city. Engaging his newly-discovered super-duper-speed, he started to fly uncontrollably over the landscape, sometimes getting himself caught on streetlights. Yet, he pressed on, following the arrow on his minimap.

As Crackshot was bounding over a building, a message popped up on his PDA.

________ has invited you to a group. Join? Y/N (paraphrased)

Without even realizing it, Crackshot accepted the invitation, and found himself communicating with a group of other strange exobyte-influenced superheroes.

Well, whatever. He thought. I’ll tour the Metro Station after we defeat some evil!

Crackshot followed the new blips on his minimap to find his other group members battling some robots created by Brainiac. He found this to be odd, since he hadn’t received this mission in Metropolis—although he had done a similar task in his hometown of Gotham. So, he started SHOOTIN UP DEM BOTS.

While he was SHOOTIN UP DEM BOTS, Crackshot noticed a few of his cohorts (or whatever the positive connotation of “cohort” is) breaking off from the group. Flanking the robots! Excellent work! he thought, incorrectly. They immediately started attacking some other kind of enemies, like, bee-people or something.

And that was when Professor Crackshot realized that nobody knew what they were doing. He promptly left the group.

On his journey to the Metro Station, Crackshot noticed another group of superheroes battling Bizarro, the dumb, opposite version of Superman (who is also dumb but in a different way). Noticing that they were having a hard time, Professor Crackshot fired a few of his signature “crack shots” at the strange reverse-man. Noticing that they had no effect, Professor Crackshot employed his signature “run away” technique.

Soon after, he received a new message on his PDA, congratulating him on defeating Bizarro, and gifting him with some new gear.

I love getting credit for not really doing any work, thought Professor Crackshot.

And he was the greatest superhero ever.

January 27, 2011   1 note

DCUO Blog 1: Origins

I don’t always play MMOs, but when I do, I prefer DC Universe Online.

Actually, I’ve never played an MMO before DCUO, which makes it pretty difficult to understand what any of the terms mean. On the upside, I can probably understand The Guild a little better now.

From what I can tell, every MMO is exactly the same [citation needed], but DCUO has GREEN LANTERN in it (probably [I think it’s John Stewart {not the one you’re thinking of}]).

During character creation, you can decide to be a Hero or a Villain. Being a Hero lets you pick Batman, Superman, or Wonder Woman to be your mentor, while being a Villain lets you pick the Joker or someone else. I can’t remember who the other people are because JOKER.

Now, even in the (extremely) superhero-populated DC Universe, superpowers don’t just happen to everybody. The game has a pretty “good” explanation of why there are suddenly thousands of superheroes (and villains!) flying (and running and jumping!) around all over the place. Basically, something something something exobytes turning everyone into superheroes. It makes more sense in context but “BREVITY,” right? Anyway the end result of this is that every single superhero (and villain!) has the exact same origin story.

Well that’s boring, so here are mine.

Blastzone (Villain)

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Johnny T. Blastman (pronounced “blast-mun”) spent every day of his life exploding things. Sometimes he would explode cars, sometimes he would explode squirrels. He really liked making things explode, even when those things were alive. He was not, by nature, a good person.

One day, while working at the circus (ticket-taking, not performing), Johnny’s hot girlfriend was attacked by a rogue elephant. She was mildly injured, and Johnny furiously swore to date other women until he got his revenge. Naturally, he assumed the elephant was under the mind control of Batman, so he clearly needed to date as many women as possible to undertake this extreme task.

And then, the exobyte thing happened. Unfortunately, Johnny was badly scarred on his body due to the event. Fortunately, they were the cool kinds of scars that women like, and also he developed the powers of flight and the ability to control fire. He named himself “Blastzone” after his grandmother.

Professor Crackshot (Hero)

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Nothing you can say to Professor Crackshot can be any worse than what he’s already been called. “Nerd,” “creepy short guy,” “that creepy short guy with all those guns,” “that creepy short guy with all those guns that he doesn’t know how to fire and also he has grey hair and he’s not even like in his 40s.”

Born Thomas J. Crackshot, our dear Professor was once a regular college professor………………..’s student. Indeed, he was just a college freshman. Indeed, he was not actually a college freshman but one time he almost registered.

You see, Thomas was lonely, and had a lot of guns. He was mentally stable and would never use them to hurt anybody, unless they were trying to steal his property (which was mostly guns). One day, a burglar broke into Thomas’s house to steal some guns, and Thomas tried to shoot one of his guns at the burglar, but it didn’t work. He tried another gun, and that one didn’t work either. Eventually he realized the truth: all of his guns were gun replicas.

The burglar didn’t even want them anymore. Thomas, crushed, forgot to register for classes, and was in the process of throwing his guns away, two at a time, when the exobyte dealy stopped him in his tracks.

Now, Thomas gained the ability to run super-fast (what?) and the power to shoot guns. Ironically naming himself “Professor Crackshot,” he goes on into the DC Universe with one goal in mind: “shoot at bad guys.”


Next time, we’ll learn how Professor Crackshot and Blastzone are settling into their new heroic and villainous assignments. Stay tuned! (to the internet)