DCUO Blog 1: Origins

I don’t always play MMOs, but when I do, I prefer DC Universe Online.

Actually, I’ve never played an MMO before DCUO, which makes it pretty difficult to understand what any of the terms mean. On the upside, I can probably understand The Guild a little better now.

From what I can tell, every MMO is exactly the same [citation needed], but DCUO has GREEN LANTERN in it (probably [I think it’s John Stewart {not the one you’re thinking of}]).

During character creation, you can decide to be a Hero or a Villain. Being a Hero lets you pick Batman, Superman, or Wonder Woman to be your mentor, while being a Villain lets you pick the Joker or someone else. I can’t remember who the other people are because JOKER.

Now, even in the (extremely) superhero-populated DC Universe, superpowers don’t just happen to everybody. The game has a pretty “good” explanation of why there are suddenly thousands of superheroes (and villains!) flying (and running and jumping!) around all over the place. Basically, something something something exobytes turning everyone into superheroes. It makes more sense in context but “BREVITY,” right? Anyway the end result of this is that every single superhero (and villain!) has the exact same origin story.

Well that’s boring, so here are mine.

Blastzone (Villain)

Johnny T. Blastman (pronounced “blast-mun”) spent every day of his life exploding things. Sometimes he would explode cars, sometimes he would explode squirrels. He really liked making things explode, even when those things were alive. He was not, by nature, a good person.

One day, while working at the circus (ticket-taking, not performing), Johnny’s hot girlfriend was attacked by a rogue elephant. She was mildly injured, and Johnny furiously swore to date other women until he got his revenge. Naturally, he assumed the elephant was under the mind control of Batman, so he clearly needed to date as many women as possible to undertake this extreme task.

And then, the exobyte thing happened. Unfortunately, Johnny was badly scarred on his body due to the event. Fortunately, they were the cool kinds of scars that women like, and also he developed the powers of flight and the ability to control fire. He named himself “Blastzone” after his grandmother.

Professor Crackshot (Hero)

Nothing you can say to Professor Crackshot can be any worse than what he’s already been called. “Nerd,” “creepy short guy,” “that creepy short guy with all those guns,” “that creepy short guy with all those guns that he doesn’t know how to fire and also he has grey hair and he’s not even like in his 40s.”

Born Thomas J. Crackshot, our dear Professor was once a regular college professor………………..’s student. Indeed, he was just a college freshman. Indeed, he was not actually a college freshman but one time he almost registered.

You see, Thomas was lonely, and had a lot of guns. He was mentally stable and would never use them to hurt anybody, unless they were trying to steal his property (which was mostly guns). One day, a burglar broke into Thomas’s house to steal some guns, and Thomas tried to shoot one of his guns at the burglar, but it didn’t work. He tried another gun, and that one didn’t work either. Eventually he realized the truth: all of his guns were gun replicas.

The burglar didn’t even want them anymore. Thomas, crushed, forgot to register for classes, and was in the process of throwing his guns away, two at a time, when the exobyte dealy stopped him in his tracks.

Now, Thomas gained the ability to run super-fast (what?) and the power to shoot guns. Ironically naming himself “Professor Crackshot,” he goes on into the DC Universe with one goal in mind: “shoot at bad guys.”

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Next time, we’ll learn how Professor Crackshot and Blastzone are settling into their new heroic and villainous assignments. Stay tuned! (to the internet)